I am in Leeds. If you are in any doubt where Leeds actually is, please, erase all guilt and click here. To be honest, it was a bit of a surprise to me, and I am actually there. It's a bit like when American tourists go to Italy and need to reference a globe to find out where they flew to. Slightly shameful. Anyway, I got a lovely GNER train up here yesterday as I am taking part in an informal annual CDG reunion. As soon as I drew into the station, I mentally switched to 'I'm on holiday throw my cares to the wind' mode and shopped up a storm in the town centre. Clearly the exchange rate between money in the Midlands and London is incredibly advantageous at the moment. My oh-so flimsiest of excuses for this extravagance was that I am off to Palma on Friday, would have bought all this stuff at the airport duty free anyway but crucially read somewhere that you cannot purchase any kind of cosmetic or fluid at an airport and take it aboard a plane in hand-luggage. Really, Scotland Yard are a marvel on the basis of this key security advice (and not to be-little the whole security/terrorism nightmare), I literally stepped off the train and was at Harvey Nichols' Clarins counter within fifteen minutes.
The world and his wife, ignoring the pesky rain, were out in force in the town centre yesterday afternoon. If UK high-street spending indices crash anytime soon it won't be because of Leeds. It was great. I got my first chance to view Leeds Man and Woman up close and all I could think was that everyone looked so groomed. I don't know if this is different from London or maybe I just don't pay attention to the people around me as much in my home town (actually, that isn't true) but there seemed real attention to detail. Women wandering around had clearly spent at least sixty minutes on their appearance before they left the house. People don't get out of bed with hair like Jessica Simpson: these women looked staggering. Men had quite clearly used hair straighteners (about which more anon) and carefully applied product. They had attended gyms. They were wearing small tight tee shirts. I couldn't believe it: the whole male population of Leeds was metrosexual. It was like attending a Pride festival yet having no hope of seeing a performance by Pam Ann.
As it happens, I am not staying in Leeds itself, but in the incredibly beautiful home of KP and LJ which is in Abbe... Abba... Abbo... ville? stad? ford? a charming village about ten miles from the city centre. Yes, really, if I went walking across the Yorkshire Dales (and I could, they really are just ... there), got lost and needed to ask a farmer (or other friendly local on their way to morning mass) the way back here, I would be completely screwed.
We had planned a BNO in the town, so spent some time joojing ourselves prior to departure. Also with us this weekend are AS and KV - AS being a former CDG inmate, sorry, colleague. They had bought with them these completely amazing psd? png? jcb? ghb? ghd hair straighteners and it was widely decided that we were all going to have very, very straight hair that evening, so AS very kindly used these on me. Heaven knows I am late to this party, but I had a total epiphany. Once the sizzle and steaming was finished, I suddenly understood how David Beckham looks like that. It was completely amazing. Sod the cost, I am getting myself some of these. So, hair ironed to buggery, we hit the town and after a fantastic South American dinner (in Leeds!), descended on Queen's Court. This wasn't quite as gay as I had imagined it was going to be as it seems that the heterosexual residents of Leeds are so down with the whole boy-on-boy/girl-on-girl thing that realising the music was going to be far better there than elsewhere, had absolutely no issue with descending in force. Immediately there was a crisis in my mind. As I explained above, the male residents of Leeds are groomed to the nth degree. Gay men are usually the ones who are primped, have the ironed hair and wearing Gucci belts. Last night everyone was. My internal gaydar phfitzed, started smoking ominously and expired: I simply had no idea who was gay and who was straight. In the end I gave up trying and just enjoyed the view.
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